F*ck Yeah

English as a Second F*cking Language - Sterling Johnson


In Britain we use swearing like punctuation. This book covers the top 7 that for so long were banned on TV. Cork Sucker, Mother Farger, Icehole, Bastige, Cant, Teats and of course You Fargin Icehole!
For a more comprehensive view and hilarious collection though try Roger's Profanisaurus: Das Krapital

Wherever profanity is chronicled Roger Mellie (the man on the telly)
should of course get a mention

Orbison Clingfilmed

Novel of Roy Orbison in Cling-film - Ulrich Haarburste


Oh where to begin! Well lets start with a quote from the author himself.
"Hello, and welcome to my book. My name is Ulrich Haarburste and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being completely wrapped in clingfilm. 
When I put these stories on my website they proved very popular so I have written this novel."

So just to clarify, that's stories about Roy Orbison being completely wrapped in Clingflim.

For those of you like Ulrich who just can't get enough of this kind of thing someone has been good enough to make a short animated movie. 

.......And god forbid that should not be enough there is also a Jackanory style reading of this undoubted literary talent.

Not Ulrich but one of his fans

Here Come the Judge..

Firm but firm

Don't Pee on My Leg and Tell Me It's Raining - Judge Judy Sheindlin


Yes THAT Judge Judy. Her no nonsense approach has made her the 13th richest female entertainer in the USA. Bringing in the bucks are such pearls of wisdom as.

• If you want to eat you have to work
• If you want children you'd better support them
• If you break the law you have to pay
• If you tap the public purse you will be held accountable
• Thou shalt not take moochers into thy hut

Evidence Tampering

Although the Judge is seemingly law abiding and squeaky clean recent press reports may suggest otherwise.

Ban This Sick Filth

A young Judy

The popular television courtroom drama "Judge Judy" has been assailed with recent accusations that its tag line, "Real people, real cases, Judge Judy" is inaccurate."The show claims to use real people, but this is misleading," stated Hank Piedlourde of the Center for Truth in White Trash Television. "Many of the show's participants have been cyborgs. We've also found evidence of the use of mannequins, blow-up dolls, and several members of the Muppets"

Close Your Legs

If You Want Closure in Your Relationship. Start with Your Legs - Big Boom

It sounds like more of an insult than a book title but this self help manual is for real and has won this years(2012) 'Diagram Book Award' for the weirdest book name.
Written by the cherishably named Big Boom (see pic below) it reaped 33% of the 8500 votes cast.

Big Badda Boom, self help guru and
self proclaimed 'Ladies Man'
and all round good egg

Vanishing Point

The Great Singapore Penis Panic -  Dr Scott D Mendelson


Short-listed for 2012's Diagram Prize for oddest title of the year along with other great titles such as Cooking With Poo

The panic in question is known as 'Koro' and is described as a culture-specific syndrome from South-East Asia in which the person has an overpowering belief that his penis is shrinking and will soon disappear.


So I now have a back up excuse for when "I've been out in the cold" will no longer cut the mustard.

Condoleezza addresses the issue

Beautiful Alaska

Outhouses of Alaska - Harry M Walker


Famed the world over for natural beauty and wide open spaces, Alaska that is not Outhouses.
Answers that age old question "Do bears sh*t in the woods?"

Answers that age old question

DIY Toys

Make Your Own Sex Toys - Matt Pagett

Now here's a guy with too much time on his hairy palmed hands!
Or is it just credit crunching austerity gone mad?

Turns out Mr Pagett is somthing of a polymath though.

The Best Dance Moves in the World ... Ever!: 100 New and Classic Moves and How to Bust Them


Sketching and Drawing: Simple Drills & Skills

W R O N G !!

Awesome Takes Time

Anybody Can Be Cool...But Awesome Takes Practice - Lorraine Peterson


From a series of books in the 'Devotionals For Teens' set including such classics as.

If God Loves Me, Why Can't I Get My Locker Open?: The Yearbook: 365 Days of Devotions

If the Devil Made You Do it, You Blew it: But it Doesn't Need to Happen Again (Devotionals for Teens)

Cool and awesome Lorraine
or is it Barry Chuckle in drag?

Sexy Chick

Mr Andoh's Penine Diary: Memoirs of a Japanese Chicken Sexer in 1935 Hebden Bridge - Stephen Curry and Takayoshi Andoh


You may well scoff but back in the day 'Chick Sexing' was big big business and Mr Andoh was the chicken sexing master. 


QI Explains


Boring But True
Chick sexing was an important mode of employment for second-generation Japanese Americans (Nisei), who dominated the trade between the late 1930s and 1950s.
Such was the difficulty involved in this practice that the 'Zen Nippon Chick Sexing School' regularly failed over 90% of its students! 

THE DON 

Tromboner

The Pocket Book of Boners - Alexander Abingdon


Illustrated throughout by a guy called Theodor Seuss Geisel AKA Dr Suess.

Mr. Dewey Largo: Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"? 
Lisa Simpson: No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells." - Dr Suess

Read the full text here: http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/119073#ixzz1o2ARA7Md
--brought to you by mental_floss! 

Funny Hair

Hair in Funny Places - Babette Cole


This is a children's book about puberty but quite frankly could apply just as much to middle aged men.
For many men the great leveller comes when the Barber asks if you "Want your ears and nose done?" when he's finished cutting your hair.


Another great Kids title by the same author.

Mummy Laid An Egg!

Daddy Drinks

Daddy Drinks Because You Cry - B S Critchlow


And in other shocking news - 

• The Tooth Fairy is your Granny
• There is no Santa Claus
• You're a terrible burden on your poor parents
• You'll be £30'000 in debt by the time you leave full time education

..........Enjoy the best years of your life!

Fart Proudly

Fart Proudly - Benjamin Franklin edited by Carl Japikse

One of the founding fathers of the United States. A noted polymath, author, printer, political theorist, politician, scientist, statesman, diplomat and renowned cutter of the cheese!

Everything you always wanted to know but were to afraid to ask

Old Organ

Christie's Old Organ - Mrs O F Walton


Given the placement of the box I dread to think what might be behind that curtain! A twist on the ole' Cinema Popcorn trick?

Leathers in the Jungle

Leathers in Mozambique - Edward M Chrystie

A search of the internet for the authors name revealed that 'Leathers In...' is a whole series of of boys own adventure books from the 1950's.

Leathers in Mozambique


Leathers On The Wild Coast.


Leathers Again


Leathers steps in





Meanwhile a search of the internet using the terms 'Leathers + Chrystie' revealed this!

YOINKS!

Pile Penetration

The Resistance of Piles to Penetration - Russell V Allin.


Once in a lifetime a must read book comes along about the  aggressive treatment of Haemorrhoids by the Victorians.


Rest your sphincters, this is not that book.


The piles in question here are in fact pilings used in the construction industry and the force ratios used to penetrate differing soil densities.



Hem-Relief Natural Haemorrhoids (Piles) Treatment - 90 Capsules

  

German Humour

The Humour Of Germany - Anonymous

An English couple adopt a healthy baby boy from Germany

He can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks.

The concerned parents take him to a doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom.

Years pass. The German child enters his teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects he is fully functional.

The German child's mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness. One day she makes the German child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup.

Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly says, "Mother. This soup has no paprika in it."

The German child's mother is astonished. "All these years," she exclaims, "we assumed you could not speak!  And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?"

"Because, mother," answers the German child, "up until now, everything has been satisfactory."...................Bud-Dum-Tum Tisssssh

Alternative German Humour

Haunted Vag

The Haunted Vagina - Carlton Mellick III (this time its personal!)


Tag Line - 'It's difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead'.......innit tho!


I read a few user reviews and this one caught my eye.
"The Haunted Vagina is a pretty straightforward romance story. Steve and Stacy are together. Steve loves Stacy to death, but her vagina creeps him out. So she sends him inside her vagina to find out what’s in there. Turns out there’s a surreal little biosphere in there, with lots of inhabitants, one of which is a weird cartoon girl named Fig"


Yep... That all seems pretty straightforward then.

Don't Bend Over

Don't Bend Over in the Garden, Granny, You Know Them Taters Got Eyes - Lewis Grizzard


At first this sounded to me like the title of some long forgotten Country and(or) Western song. Turns out it's a book about sex that tells us amongst other things

•  Why Junior Leaguers don't do it in groups
• Why Baptists don't do it standing up
• Why Richard Nixon never did it at all (if this is true I would say Mrs Nixon has some explaining to do!)

Middle Class Cooking

Cookery for the Middle Classes - H H Tuxford

Not a mention of Wheat Grass or Pesto anywhere.

The Sheeps Head Broth as detailed below sounds particually yummie but only if you remember to wash well and remove the slimy parts.

And the soft part of the nostril lest we forget.

Also available Economical Cookery for the Middle Classes which seems all the more important in these times of the 'Squeezed Middle'.