Hose Before Bros

500 Things to Do with Pantyhose Besides Wear Them!: Ingenious and Useful Ways to Give Old Pantyhose New Life - Sara Hunter

Short of bank robbery, garroting or the casing for huge sausages I am struggling to name 5 let alone 500 so well done Ms Hunter!

Might not look out of place at the Tate Modern

Just some of Ms Hunters wonderful ideas

OK not one of Sara Hunter's but damn fine all the same.
Ramm ND, a Russian designer with a touch of genius
designed these sexy pantyhose cans.

.

Diagram Prize

The Bookseller / Diagram Prize


The Bookseller/Diagram Prize for the Oddest Title of the Year has been awarded every year since 1978 by The Bookseller magazine. Originally organised for the 1978 Frankfurt Book Fair and chosen by a panel of judges the competition has now grown immeasurably and is currently awarded according to public vote.

Previous Winners

1978: Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice

1979: The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution

1980: The Joy of Chickens

1981: Last Chance at Love: Terminal Romances

1982: Population and Other Problems

1983: The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling

1984: The Book of Marmalade: Its Antecedents, Its History and Its Role in the World Today


1985: Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts

1986: Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality

1987: No Award


1988: Versailles: The View From Sweden

1989: How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art 


1990: Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual

1991: No Award


1992: How to Avoid Huge Ships

1993: American Bottom Archaeology


1994: Highlights in the History of Concrete

1995: Reusing Old Graves

1996: Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers

1997: The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition

1998: Development in Dairy Cow Breeding and Management: and New Opportunities to Widen the Uses of Straw

1999: Weeds in a Changing World

2000: High Performance Stiffened Structures


2001: Butterworths Corporate Manslaughter Service

2002: Living With Crazy Buttocks

2003: The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories

2004: Bombproof Your Horse


2005: People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It


2006: The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification

2007: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs


2008: The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-milligram Containers of Fromage Frais

2009: Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes

2010: Managing a Dental Practice the Genghis Khan Way

Thumb Tat

Your Destiny in Thumb - R G Rao


Thumb reading is an ancient Indian art of revealing your future to you by the shape, size and markings on your thumb as Mr Rao explains.


"This book indicates how the 'lagna' (Ascendant) is to be arrived at and definite predictions of life's happenings made from the signs on thumb alone. The only book on Thumb reading that you can be taking seriously"


So there you have it. As you can see this is in no way quackery and you should consider planning the rest of your life around this worthy science.

Those Who Help Themselves

Crafts for Retarded: Through Their Hands They Shall Learn - William C McNeice


Printed in 1964 so comes under the "They Didn't Know Any Better" banner of unfortunate book titles. 
Boring But True

The swastika is a cross with its arms bent at right angles to either the right or left. In geometric terms, it is known as an irregular icosahedron or 20-sided polygon.The word is derived from the Sanskrit "svastika" and means "good to be". In Indo-European culture it was a mark made on people or objects to give them good luck.It had been around for thousands of years before Hitler and the Nazi's got hold of it.

History will forgive Mr McNeice this one

Jail House Shock

The Brighter Side of Prison Life - Capt. S. A. Swiggett

Yea turns out it's not all bad news after all! A true account of the Captains time in a Texan prisoner of war camp during the American Civil War.

He must have had a fine old time as he is recorded as the last ever prisoner to leave the camp. In fact some reports tell of how he had to be dragged kicking and screaming from the safety of the compound by rather bemused liberators in 1863.



Accounts vary on the conditions endured inside
Camp Ford during the American Civil War

Mullet Entire

The Mullet: The Hairstyle of the Gods - Barney Hoskyns & Mark Larson


Which gods exactly is never made plain but this questionable style is now truly rooted in popular culture.


"One on the sides,
Don't touch the back.
Six on the top and
Don't cut it wack, Jack"

               The Beastie Boys (1994) 

Worn by the most discerning of gentlemen

Cock a Doodle

It Looks Like a Cock - Ben and Jack


A book of everyday objects from clouds to Zucchini's does not sound too exciting but of course the hook here is that all these things LOOK LIKE COCKS!!
A brief search of the internet will quickly reveal that there is little in this world that can not be misrepresented as a male member.


Most are pretty innocent, accidental or tricks of the light but when it comes to company logo's (below) you have to wonder if people in marketing were asked to clear their desks!?

Click image to enlarge

Anal-Retentive

How to Good-Bye Depression if you Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way - Hiroyuki Nishigaki

Is this effective? Your guess is as good as mine but the next time I feel inexplicably morose I will give it a go and report back in all haste.

Sounds about right!

It looks a lot like Mr Nishigaki was constricting his anus as he wrote the cover notes!
"I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth" 

Can't Live Without You

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?! - Cynthia Heimel


A Good question and one which sounds like it should be sung in time to the strains of a Country and Western backing track.


Cynthia is considered something of a real life Carrie Bradshaw.....But an 80' Carrie Bradshaw with big hair and without a face that looks like a foot.


A little poking about on Red Tube You tube uncovered this little rock classic by Mayday Parade which shares it's title with that of the book.

Cynthia in strip form - Click image to enlarge

Where the White Women at?

How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men - Adam Quan (single)


I've gleened a few helpful hints from this. Firstly, white women don't like tentacles. I shouldn't take photographs of them and print their images on body pillows. I should not ask them for "Saki" neither should I vaccum pack their used underwear or dress them up as school girls......Go figure!!


Unhappy customer / reviewer Kenneth Han (single) writes.
"I read this book and its like reading a 7th graders essay on dating, the book is completely disorganized, repeats itself and is riddled with grammar errors everywhere! I'm surprised the publishers allowed this to sell without correcting even the sentence structures on the first page! dont waste your money." 

Really Ken? What on earth did you expect!?

 

Don't Panic!!

Fighting the Fuzzy Wuzzy - E A De Cosson

According to Cpl. Jones "They don't like it up em!'"
A less than P.C title considering this actually went into print in 1990. Tells the story of Sir Gerald Graham's field force at Suakin. 


As I couldn't find a cover pic for this title I made my own. Not only is it rather fetching it's also rather libellous, a law suit waiting to happen.


Publish and be damned!!

Suakin Mosque

How Green?!

How Green Were the Nazis? - Franz-Josef Bruggemeier

My guess would be not f*cking very!!
But hell, what do I know. Among their other more dubious accomplishments they created - according to the author - nature reserves, sustainable forests (see cover), clean air policies (Oh come on!!) and developed (with forced labour) the Autobahn system to bring your average German closer to the beauty of nature.

In the same sort of vein.
The Green and the Brown: A History of Conservation in Nazi Germany (Studies in Environment and History)




Adolf  WOW's the crowd with his Green Yo Yo



How Queer

Queer Doings at QUANTHAM - Wilfrid Robertson


A suspicious looking bollard on the cover and no such place as Quantham only add to the mystery of this most mysterious of thrillers.
Quite a prolific writer through the 40's, 50's and 60's with many of his titles still in print.


Still available by the same author.


Dunkirk Dunes to Libyan Sand
The Lost Gold Bars ... Illustrated by S. Drigin

The Island Plot

Print off for a rather
fetching bookmark

Oh no Pappa, not the livestock!!

Shag the Pony and Other Stories - Peter Crabbe


Muffin the Mule may well not be a criminal offence but I'm pretty sure shagging the pony still is.
Published by the Catholic Truth Society back in the days of pounds, shillings and pence this is one of those titles where changes in language usage have rendered it hilarious.


Boring but True
As an alternative to the f-word 'Shag' has grown in popularity, largely thanks to Austin Powers. 'Shag' has many definitions that are non-sexual. So in theory it should still be possible to go into a tobacconists and ask the assistant for "their best shag" with out fear of arrested.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should 

I See Dead People

People Who Don't Know  They're Dead: How they attach themselves to unsuspecting bystanders and what to do about it


“Being dead is so much like being alive that many people die without realizing their condition. I don’t remember when I came across this statement, but I put it in a play (what) I wrote and it always gets a laugh. I think because it is true, and on some level people know that."
                                                             Gary Leon Hill


Of course they do Gary, just ask Haley Joel Osment and Bruce Willis.


By the same author
A True Story of Startling Seances in San Francisco

People who don't care if you're dead!!

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE SHOUTING!!

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!! - MS. ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON


**ELIYZABETH LIKES2 WRITE IN THIS IRRITATING STYLE>>***SHE HAS NO INTEREST IN GRAMMER SPILLING OR VISIBLE TALENT BUTT THEN Y SHOULD SHE!!>>>THIS MASTERPIECE IS SELF PUBLISHED**>>

It go's with out saying that Eliyzabeth is the worst kind of crazy. She doesn't think she is!
I feel a little less safe knowing she's out there, somewhere, walking freely among us. Not only is she a fundamental zealot but her hands are registered as lethal weapons.

Click on above image to enlarge

Boring but True
A few years ago I worked in Croydon and arrived at East Croydon station every morning. And each morning a crazy looking woman stood on the pedestrian crossing outside the station, bible in hand, shouting the kind of stuff ELIYZABETH likes to write down.
One morning curiosity got the better of me and as I had 10 minutes to spare I went and stood next to her to listen to what she had to say. Once it came to her attention that someone was actually listening instead of hurrying past on their way to work she stopped ranting and turned to look at me. Presently she said "You can take your devils nostrils and F*CK OFF"
And then like that *clicks fingers* she was gone!

The Chefs Own Batter

Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-based Recipes - Fotie Photenhaur

Yes you read that right! Although undoubtedly a 'Natural Harvest' most would not consider it natural to include it with their meals. However Mr Photenhaur informs us that:

"Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food."

In her review Jenny Mcnorson adds:
"My kids love these recipes. There's big hit on the dinner table every night"

No doubt Jenny!!

The Chefs own special sauce

Iraq 'n' Roll

Let's go to IRAQ - Richard Tames


First published in 1989 and I would think never published since. The Gulf War started in 1990 pretty much bringing to an end any tourism which didn't bring along with it it's own heavy military presence.

Boring But True
The 1970’s were Iraq’s golden age for tourism
Popular with Japs, French and German visitors before the Iran-Iraq war 1980
In 2008, Iraq had 963’657 tourists, mostly religious visitors
Tourists from Europe grew by 98% during the first nine months of 2009
There are 784 hotels in Iraq, all with flushing toilets and under-lit DISCO dance-floors*

 

*Incorrect at time of going to press

Chicken Shenanigans

The Art of Faking Exhibition Poultry: An Examination of teh Farker's Methods and Processes with Some Observations on their Detection - George R Scott


Not quite the longest book title ever (see below) but it's a damn good attempt.

Originally published in 1934 contains all you need to know including modern tendencies, faking detection, plumage dying and bleaching, faking leg colour, inserting feathers, extracting feathers, faking lobes, colouring eggs and chemicals used in general fakery and no goodness.
(not the longest sentence ever but a damn good attempt)





 

                                                The Longest Book Title Ever (by Nigel Tomm)

Click on image above to read full title (I wouldn't!)

Happily Married

How to be Happy Though Married - E J Hardy


"If wholesome advice you can brook, 
When single too long you have tarried;
If comfort you'd gain from a book, 
When very much wedded and harried; 
No doubt you should speedily look,
 In 'How to be Happy though Married'"
                                       Review in Punch Magazine 1849


A modern equivalent is now available for the clueless newly-weds of the 21st century. 
How to Be Happy Though Married