Oh no Pappa, not the livestock!!

Shag the Pony and Other Stories - Peter Crabbe


Muffin the Mule may well not be a criminal offence but I'm pretty sure shagging the pony still is.
Published by the Catholic Truth Society back in the days of pounds, shillings and pence this is one of those titles where changes in language usage have rendered it hilarious.


Boring but True
As an alternative to the f-word 'Shag' has grown in popularity, largely thanks to Austin Powers. 'Shag' has many definitions that are non-sexual. So in theory it should still be possible to go into a tobacconists and ask the assistant for "their best shag" with out fear of arrested.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should 

I See Dead People

People Who Don't Know  They're Dead: How they attach themselves to unsuspecting bystanders and what to do about it


“Being dead is so much like being alive that many people die without realizing their condition. I don’t remember when I came across this statement, but I put it in a play (what) I wrote and it always gets a laugh. I think because it is true, and on some level people know that."
                                                             Gary Leon Hill


Of course they do Gary, just ask Haley Joel Osment and Bruce Willis.


By the same author
A True Story of Startling Seances in San Francisco

People who don't care if you're dead!!

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE SHOUTING!!

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!! - MS. ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON


**ELIYZABETH LIKES2 WRITE IN THIS IRRITATING STYLE>>***SHE HAS NO INTEREST IN GRAMMER SPILLING OR VISIBLE TALENT BUTT THEN Y SHOULD SHE!!>>>THIS MASTERPIECE IS SELF PUBLISHED**>>

It go's with out saying that Eliyzabeth is the worst kind of crazy. She doesn't think she is!
I feel a little less safe knowing she's out there, somewhere, walking freely among us. Not only is she a fundamental zealot but her hands are registered as lethal weapons.

Click on above image to enlarge

Boring but True
A few years ago I worked in Croydon and arrived at East Croydon station every morning. And each morning a crazy looking woman stood on the pedestrian crossing outside the station, bible in hand, shouting the kind of stuff ELIYZABETH likes to write down.
One morning curiosity got the better of me and as I had 10 minutes to spare I went and stood next to her to listen to what she had to say. Once it came to her attention that someone was actually listening instead of hurrying past on their way to work she stopped ranting and turned to look at me. Presently she said "You can take your devils nostrils and F*CK OFF"
And then like that *clicks fingers* she was gone!

The Chefs Own Batter

Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-based Recipes - Fotie Photenhaur

Yes you read that right! Although undoubtedly a 'Natural Harvest' most would not consider it natural to include it with their meals. However Mr Photenhaur informs us that:

"Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food."

In her review Jenny Mcnorson adds:
"My kids love these recipes. There's big hit on the dinner table every night"

No doubt Jenny!!

The Chefs own special sauce

Iraq 'n' Roll

Let's go to IRAQ - Richard Tames


First published in 1989 and I would think never published since. The Gulf War started in 1990 pretty much bringing to an end any tourism which didn't bring along with it it's own heavy military presence.

Boring But True
The 1970’s were Iraq’s golden age for tourism
Popular with Japs, French and German visitors before the Iran-Iraq war 1980
In 2008, Iraq had 963’657 tourists, mostly religious visitors
Tourists from Europe grew by 98% during the first nine months of 2009
There are 784 hotels in Iraq, all with flushing toilets and under-lit DISCO dance-floors*

 

*Incorrect at time of going to press

Chicken Shenanigans

The Art of Faking Exhibition Poultry: An Examination of teh Farker's Methods and Processes with Some Observations on their Detection - George R Scott


Not quite the longest book title ever (see below) but it's a damn good attempt.

Originally published in 1934 contains all you need to know including modern tendencies, faking detection, plumage dying and bleaching, faking leg colour, inserting feathers, extracting feathers, faking lobes, colouring eggs and chemicals used in general fakery and no goodness.
(not the longest sentence ever but a damn good attempt)





 

                                                The Longest Book Title Ever (by Nigel Tomm)

Click on image above to read full title (I wouldn't!)

Happily Married

How to be Happy Though Married - E J Hardy


"If wholesome advice you can brook, 
When single too long you have tarried;
If comfort you'd gain from a book, 
When very much wedded and harried; 
No doubt you should speedily look,
 In 'How to be Happy though Married'"
                                       Review in Punch Magazine 1849


A modern equivalent is now available for the clueless newly-weds of the 21st century. 
How to Be Happy Though Married